A different kind of musing.

12/27/2011-12/30/2011

I’m a little tired of the narrative version of things..so to spice it up I’m gonna recount some memories the past days have stirred up. If I were home I’d upload old pictures but I’m silly and haven’t scanned them in yet. …so here comes nostalgia lane. (Plus it also doesn’t help that I’m listening to Chopin waltzes).

Seeing the girls with their NanNan is rather heartwarming and reminds me of the Christmases that were spent travelling 12 hours down the road, I’m sure torturing my parents the entire way, wishing they could pop us some Benadryl. Just a short drive an hour away and my girls are asking every five minutes the cliché, “are we there?” I now have such sympathy for my parents and pray that my faulty memory doesn’t hold that my brother and I were cretains. I digress. I remember us taking trips and stopping at the “Castle Motel;” where I do distinctly remember scratching the hell out of my leg. (Funny isn’t, how we only remember those traumatizing moments in our life.) There was the hot tub where my dad and I would go streaking out in the snow in nothing but our bathing suits and make snow angels, there was some justification for this by telling me that Monks did it too. I have hazy memories of pulling up to my Grandma’s house late at night, her porch light on and creeping in. The images of her house are so vivid in my mind but yet so hard to paint with words. After opening presents we’d be on the road again to my aunt’s house for Christmas brunch with people I hardly knew.  I can remember being in the car asking how Santa knew where we were and coloring with my magic marker book. I can remember my grandma before the aneurysm, contently watching golf, teaching me how to play Rumikub and rolling out massive quantities of cinnamon rolls. I remember at Christmas time looking forward to seeing the words NOEL in children’s blocks displayed on her bathroom shelf. It makes me want to go back and sit on the curb, close my eyes and recreate the childhood memories.  

I've never told my parents this but (they do read this, so they’ll soon be finding out J) we were at the mall and I spotted my Dad running almost full kilt to the car with a box of wooden doll chairs, only for them to appear under the tree later from Santa.  The same is true for the mad dash from the toy store with a huge box of plastic animals while my mom tried earnestly to keep us distracted.

I remember the Christmas of giving my Grandma the world’s biggest smooch for there under the tree was a Barbie dream camper/van. For being six or seven this, was heaven.  I can still feel in my veins the excitement that rushed through me ripping open the paper. I remember the cheesy plastic rotisserie chicken and volleyball set.

Dolls these days are disturbing. Since when is a child’s imagination helped by popping off its head, shimmying up a skin tight latex outfit and bending its arms like a contortionist. (looking at the picture will explain). When I was a kid Polly Pockets were little miniature (and by miniature I mean no bigger than my pinky) non- “dressable” dolls that lived in awesome plastic seashells and hearts. They were the kind of dolls your mom threatened to vacuum up and then later your dad had to rescue them from the crevices of dirt and debris. Maybe I’m biased by the sheer awesomness that was Polly Pockets in my days but I just don’t believe that dolls should have removable hair and plastic mini mini-skirts.  

The girls Dad let me tag along to a ride down to Homer, about 60 miles south of Kenai.  It was described to me as “patchouli.” This is rather amusing because my co-worker at home used to accuse me of wearing the stuff, which in turn is also funny as I’ve never heard of it before. Yes, I was described as the hippie in the office due to my peace signed purse, my bamboo cutlery, my eating of tofu and greens, bringing home paper to recycle and constantly ruining peoples days by telling them how un-nutritious their meals were. I freaking loved Homer, boarded up and all. The spit was chalk full of touristy shops, describing various stock of sea food, ice cream and brick a brack.  It was a quaint sort of town where you feel like people actually know one another. We had to go to the supply store so that J could check out some boat accoutrements. It’s not exactly easy keeping two young girls occupied in such a butch place, with various trophy heads pinned to the wall and hardware bins lining the aisles.  We made the most of it, dancing in the aisles, going on number and letter hunts and taking silly pictures with giant stuffed bears. I think the thing I liked the most was seeing the various old curmudgeons sitting around a coffee pot eating vanilla wafers and discussing the weather.

There is a certain rhythm and hum by which I operate as an au-pair and I was beginning to wonder if I was losing my touch. However, having a normalish house to operate in, whether or not it’s our own has restored my confidence that my tune is still humming along. Even though we drove in a random circle at one point, we did spend the morning coloring pictures, playing Monopoly Jr., dancing to kiddo music and came home and played restaurant. The girls got such a kick out of making placemats and signs for their dining room establishment. I wrote out little menus for them, took their orders and made them pay by singing me a silly song and dousing me with hugs and silly faces.  I spent a lot of raining days inside with my kiddos at home, faced with a box full of craft supplies and had to make stuff up on the spot. There’s nothing like a good noggin work out than three wide eyed kids expecting you to pull magic out of your cranium. There’s also nothing worse than having a million.2 kid songs stuck in your skull and when asked to perform can only get a lullaby to come out and even that you stumble through.

Experiencing these memories with the girls stirs up all sorts of childhood spells that were once locked away inside. I love thinking about my kiddos back home and the fun we used to have together and how I can share what I learned with them with my girls. I love reminiscing about the past in my life and it’s swirling with the current adventure that I’m experiencing. I’ve had a couple of rough days but I’ve come to appreciate that no matter what I’m currently stressed about, pales in comparison to the fact that I’m here trying to make each day unique and different.  If you really think about it no matter how mundane and rote each day may feel, I betcha you can find a kernel of difference tucked inside. 

Transplant

OK-so I haven’t updated in six days…big whoop right? Well apparently it’s four pages single spaced of info that occurred. I’ll probably be gone for just as long before the next post goes up , so you’ll have plenty of time to read this drivel.  Enjoy!

12/20/11-The morning was a complete tornado of activity. I thought somewhat rather over confidently that I could easily get everything done on time. Yeah…not so much. I was buzzing around the house packing bags, checking off lists in my head and scurrying the girls about. I’m rarely late to anything but this was a play date so I didn’t feel half so bad being late. Besides she, herself, was ten minutes past our fifteen minute lateness. The girls were excited to see their friends and play on the bouncy castles. There is nothing like bouncing and sliding when your head is plugged up with mucus and your brain feels like it’s swimming in a sea of fog. Their enthusiasm quickly petered out and they were ready to depart. Well, they were really ready to eat. Apples in hand we headed for our new digs.  I think I gave the poor cleaning lady a heart attack. She was trying to tell me what she was doing while I was trying to simultaneously coral the girls, unload the things and calm this poor lady down and tell her we would be leaving soon and don’t worry about washing the down comforter. The car feeling two tons lighter we rushed to the grocery store and I bought the girls lunch and did some hill billy watching. I also stop caring to tell people that I’m not their mother; it’s too exhausting and long winded. So now I just nod and smile.  Trudging out in the freezing rain we went to the movies.  We watched “Arthur Christmas” and got quite a chuckle.  I ran back to the house to pick up the terror dog and my guitar and the never ending piles of laundry. In the span of coming home and eating a real meal, we lost the internet and my brain cells whilst watching the Disney channel.

Wednesday 12/21/11-J and I started the morning off discussing politics, it’s always fun when your grasping a piping hot cup of tea and your brain is still in “I should be in bed mode.” I think J was off for the day but had other things to do so the girls and I just hung out. I tried to convince them that we should go do something but they were much more congenial just hanging out.  Well I forced them outside in the snow and they ended up having a wonderful time. I packed lunch in to go containers and buckled them up and it was off to swimming lessons we went. There was a wee accident that occurred and we needed a change of clothing. Let me just say that being on the cusp of being right on time and driving in the middle of nowhere it is not fun hearing the words  “I have to go to the bathroom, I can’t hold it, I’m gonna pee my pants.” Then pulling off and discovering your worst nightmare. Bear told me she was never going to be an au pair because she didn’t want to clean up pee. Anyway. Bear and her Dad went to karate whilst Bean and I discovered a new grocery store. Yes, I am that much of a nerd.

Thursday 12/22/11- OH MY. Yes that sums it up.  I consented to letting the girls watch cartoons since I could barely breathe this morning.  I made them waffles and by that I mean I popped them in the toaster .  It may not seem like a big deal making steel cut oats- but oh it was fabulous. While the girls colored. I started prepping for our first batch of baking. We made some fabulous tree and snow men sugar cookies. They decorated them with heaping piles of frosting and glittering sprinkles in festive colors. I felt like my nanny wings were finally being dusted off.  However, much unlike my nanny self, I let the girls watch yet another movie.  Afterward I had the girls put together their own lunches. They got such a kick out of having control of making their own sandwiches, it was rather cute. It took what felt like forever to bundle them and myself up. We headed over to Bear’s school with the dog. I attempted to have the dog join us, until he benignly accosted some other children. His fun in the snow lasted five minutes. Ours lasted close to two hours. At the sledding hill Bear took herself and Bean and I went up and down together. It was THE perfect sized hill. It didn’t require me huffing and puffing during each trip and the ride down was rather fun. We also played “house” on the playground.  I was the Dad, Bear was the daughter and Bean was the Mom, of course. I made the girls laugh with my “father” impression and flopping all over the place on the bouncy horse that a 24 year old doesn’t belong on.  We came home and made hot cocoa with whip up and sprinkles. I’m not going to say we drank it because Bear drank half of hers and Bean just liked off the whip up and sprinkles and spent the rest of the time complaining that it was too hot. I glanced up at the clock and could hardly believe where the time had gone. D came home early from work and we all went to the ice rink. D’s work puts on a lot of nice functions. They even do her dry cleaning, change tires and wrap presents to name a few. The girls had their picture taken with Santa and did some crafts.  D and I navigated the slippery ice terrain and took the girls skating  Wow that was hard work-Bear finally got the hang of it; which was nice given that my hand was going numb from holding on to her so tight. Those skates I’m telling you had no heel support what’s so ever. I was dying.  Thankfully it was rather short and we were off to another holiday party. This place was seriously in the boonies-no one lives in “normal” parts of town.  We wound through tiny little back country roads. For once at a party (we’ve been to a lot) I felt more at ease. I had a nice normal conversation with one of the moms that always waves to me at school but that I never knew.  In the back of the car were two completely passed out girls-D and I carried them inside and tucked them in. I drank a much needed cup of tea and crashed.

12/23/11-12/25/11-Friday-We spent the entire morning/and better part of the afternoon driving around with Dana and the girls running errands. You could tell they were feeling like cooped up little birdies, while Dana ran into the store I did my best to keep them entertained. We ran back home, which was nice, it gave me a chance to check e-mails and what nots and discover that I’m SOL with my credit card statement and need to get my direct deposit rolling.  We had to reload the car with another round of stuff. It was then off to a really awkward Xmas party. The host spent the entire time in the kitchen making dinner and washing dishes. It kind of felt like the class nerd trying to put on a party to fit in and everyone showed up to be polite. It got me thinking about what makes a good party vs. the abyss that I was currently in. Everyone kind of stood around awkwardly and left as quickly as possible. There was a cute foreign accent guy, unfortunately he only glanced my way once and ducked out after eating. We went back to the hospital and loaded up three ginormous boxes of presents. Back at our other house we wrapped presents and scattered gifts from the grandparents. Bear helped me wrap the ornaments that she and Bean had picked out for their parents.

Saturday-Christmas Eve-It was a LAZY morning. I spent the day hanging out in jammers, texting friends and some good ol fashion lounging. It all was kind of a blur. I had been planning on going to church for Xmas eve. I’m not at all a churchey person but I enjoy listening to the Christmas carols and singing Silent Night by candlelight.  I figured that since I probably was not going to go back to church this year that I would try out a different congregation. So I settled on the Baptist church that I pass everyday on K Beach road. Bean asked if she could come with me and with her mother’s blessing she got all dressed up and joined me.  I was very grateful to have arrived early, even for a small town the pews were jammed to the rafters. You could tell that the whole production was very thrown together at the last minute.  The main leader of this deal was making music choices right before service and handing out speaking parts up until the thing began. The program gave no indication of what was to occur. What it did tell me was that there was a theme of being a terrible sinner and having to repent. Prior to service starting Bean decided to read the bible and informed me that Kung Fu Panda lived in Jesus time. I’m sure this did not go over well with the man who was heavily involved in his own Bible taking notes sitting right next to us. The general theme of the night was a story, reading from a congregation member, music and some soloists. Bean leaned over to me during a rendition of “Oh Holy Night” and informed me that “she is a lovely singer”. Bean got to go on stage and sing with the other kiddos,  she bounced up there no problem. Man, most kids I know would not have budged but she was thrilled to go stand on stage. She’s going to be an actress when she gets older. No doubt. Well this four year old is doing a pretty good job of siting patiently but now she’s getting fidgety and telling me that she’s dying of thirst and I’m panicking that she’s going to go home and tell her parents how awful it was. We were redeemed by lighting candles. I made her giggle during Joy to the World by singing in my deep manly voice (insert that here).I did have a lovely canvas of hot wax  all over my fingers. We ended up sitting next to a tone deaf bible thumper who ruined Silent Night. Every year without fail I cry during silent night, which my brother likes to point out to me. Well it’s kind of hard to do when your four year old is waving a candle and the guy next to you sounds like dying cat. We came home and ate ravioli in our jammers. That was probably my first Christmas Eve ever eating dinner at 9:00 pm in my pajamas. The girls opened presents from their grandparents and the puzzles that I got them. 

Sunday-Christmas Day. Woken up by Bear, thank the pear it wasn’t 5 a.m-Jeff was actually up earlier than all of us. Girls had over 30 presents each to open. Their excitement was quickly waning after opening lots of socks and long undies. I felt blessed to have received gifts from my parents and my new family bought me wonderful slippers, socks and a wicking outdoor shirt. The girls put together their puzzles and played games. I made my “looks like baby vomit but I swear tastes great…smoothies.” Jeff made his famous bagels that turned out more like biscuits. I enjoyed some time alone and gave the family their space to be together.  It was this weird feeling of not knowing if I’m imposing on family time or being a recluse. I called family back home and sobbed with every single person I talked to. I was blessed to have spoken with my big sister, the kiddo’s mom and best bud (only person I know that I can call at 11 pm Alaska time) back home.  For Christmas dinner-D graciously made me sweet potato enchiladas and bought my can of cranberry jelly. For some reason I’ve always had a can of cranberry jelly. Always-and I’m always the only one eats it. Then Jeff brought in a moose leg and I nearly vomited. I had to turn my back while I ate my cheesecake. First Christmas away from home was rough.

First Christmas Away (Poem-written while crying and listening to Simon and Garfunkel-curse their awesome lyrics)

Today I miss a lot of people. But I miss my little brother the most. I still have memories of past Christmas mornings being in our bunk beds trying to decide if it was too early to go wake up our parents. I miss the silly traditions, like Mom making vegetarian chili and my dad scoffing and making his meaty version. I miss sitting around the Christmas tree opening up family presents. Going to church and getting all dressed up in our Sunday finest. Mom usually made my Christmas dress and it was a big deal. There was a year that she sewed all of the new outfits for my doll. I miss the rush of being a kid and going tumbling down the stairs to see what Santa delivered. The year I stopped believing in Santa but asked my Dad anyway if there were any gifts he didn’t remember buying.  I still wanted to hold on to that childhood dream. I remember walking away from the Japanese restaurant and asking my parents about the truth behind Santa and the tooth fairy.  There was the year in our brand new suburban house, all decked and trimmed and carols playing and we invited soldiers to join us for dinner. The future looked so rosy and bright and as though everything was going to be alright. Life has surely changed. This year I spent Christmas in Alaska, with a new family and new traditions. I spent my time on the phone talking to the people that I love and care deeply for and poured my soul out in my tears. I couldn’t explain why I was so emotional. Christmas never meant much to this Grinch. Yet, here I was sobbing, big fat tears rolling down my cheeks. I was so cavalier that this day was going to be just like any other.  I didn’t think my first Christmas away from home would be so hard.

12/26/11-Monday. I wasn’t quite sure if I was supposed to be on kid duty today or not so I set my alarm and ignored it for about thirty minutes. I stumbled out into the living room desperate for a warm cup of tea. We spent the morning idly chatting and J and I discussed politics and the current hell hole that America is in. D’s mom (N) flew in this morning to join us for a few days. She was immediately bombarded by the girls. They had set up a treasure hunt for her to find her presents and they could hardly wait a breath for her to get started. After a little lunch, N got out her paints and cardboard and all of us sat around the table water coloring. The girls were quickly bored so D bundled them up and sent them outdoors. The rest of the day will hopefully be spent heading back to the house to send this load of information out into the world and hopefully skyping with my family. All this relaxation is going to make it hard to get back into the swing of things. 

New Digs

Well yesterday was sure as hec....well.....hectic. We've moved temporarily to a new set of digs while work on the kitchen continues. A friend of the family is out of town so we've moved in to enjoy the simple comforts of a kitchen and laundry machine. Unfortunately this puts me without internet as I can't figure out their router workings and my computer refuses to cooperate. So during the times that we pop back to the house I'll pop on to update info and the like. Let me just tell you it's odd not having the internet when you've become so accustomed and all of your bill pay is done electronically. Alas. I will survive. Thank the pear my papa got me a Kindle. 

Yesterday was super hectic...I had to get the girls all packed, three loads of laundry, all the kitchen stuff and myself for the move to our new digs. We were squeezed in like sardines, jammed to the rafters. We were meeting the other OH-pair and her kiddos at the indoor jumping facility for an hour or so of bouncing. The poor older boy was severely out numbered having 6 girls surrounding him. Bean felt a little left out being the youngest and her sister having a friend there. Reminds me of the times when my brother would tag along when we were younger. Let me just tell you there is nothing like bouncing and running around when your head is throbbing and your sinuses feel like they are going to explode. The girls were quickly worn out and ready to go. 

We buzzed over to the new house where I nearly gave the cleaning lady a heart attack. I don't know why but the girls love eating at the grocery store deli and I consented...I needed my essentials anyway. Oh what's that you ask? My essentials? Tylenol and chocolate of course. :)

Yes moving and two play dates in one day...it was a lot. The girls were tickled because we were meeting their two little buddies and their grandma at the movie theater. I was honestly expecting a really run down dinky little place given the condition of the outside but was pleasantly surprised with a clean and decent theater. We saw Arthur Christmas and for being a kid flick it wasn't half bad. I chuckled at the adult inserted humor. 

Home at last...well a new home. It's awful tiring when you finally feel situated in a new place just to be uprooted all over again. Again...I will survive.

I'm truly an Alaskan now...

...yesterday there was a moose in my backyard.....enough said....

I got socks for a present....

....and I'm really OK with that. Smart wool socks are amazing and all the rage out here. If you don't own a pair you're the antithesis of cool. Well no...you'd probably be cool, or at least your toes would be seeing as these socks keep you toasty.Anyway...I was hoping to post something way cooler about my weekend, like a sledding party, a hike, some yoga and a cookie exchange but all that had to be canceled. Why? Because of the elves currently squeezing my air sacs and the giant vice being twisted around my noggin. Cursed sinuses. Thankfully I've been eating lots of oranges, drinking an insane amount of tea and sleeping like a napping bear.


Before this curse took over my realm I did have a nice afternoon with the girls on Friday. I promised them that we would have a fun morning/afternoon on their first day of Christmas vacation.


We started off the morning by making a big batch of waffles with strawberries and blueberries baked inside. The girls were tickled because I let them sit on the floor and watch a movie while they enjoyed their breakfast. As I finished up the endless batches of waffles, I heard my mom's voice in my head ...something along the lines of..."I hate making waffles because of all the clean up." I guess she was right. I spent most of "The Year With Out a Santa Clause" using a knife and loads of paper towels to scrape out all the bits of drippings.

Next we were on to assembling the gingerbread house, that we bought 2 weeks ago. All the girls could talk about was eating the darn thing. It assembled relatively easily and my fears of a wobbly creation dissipated. While the walls were drying out, the girls colored Christmas pictures, made Grinch masks and ornaments for our tiny Christmas tree. We raced around obstacles courses, listened to some tunes, ate lunch while watching Rudolph and chased each other with tickly fingers.

Their Dad had a work Christmas function that we attended later that evening. Well we had to go relatively early due to the fact that we had no hot water in the house. I discovered this the morning before with a head full of suds when all of sudden the term ice cold came to fruition. So here I am at this lady's house whom I've only met a handful of times and I'm showering in her 1980's era basement shower .


Thankfully this party was way more vegan accommodating as several of the doctors/staff are fellow veg heads. There was the usual, hey you are new, tell me about you. Then there was the encounter with the engineer who had very little idea about personal bubbles and I was cornered against some chairs and a water cooler, having just eaten broccoli and bean slaw... I also without fail made myself look like a goon by asking odd questions at the wrong moments to the wrong people.


Although I have to say in comparison to the work function that I attended last year this was a world of difference. Here we were actually allowed to wish each other a Merry Christmas. There were decorations of Santa Clauses and red and green garland. There were even games and merriment. If you haven't inferred my work party last year was a total suck fest of dreariness filled with very little holiday cheer.


So here I am writing this post hoping to get some creative inspiration for my personal statement for my PSU application.


I can hardly believe Christmas is at the end of this week. Wow time flies....

(P.S.-this was suppose to go out yesterday but we lost the power...it was truly camping then!)

Correction....this is profound.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K14c4NGuhDI&feature=player_embedded

You need to follow the above posted link. I'm trying to spread this as far and away as possible. I don't really care if you care about the religious part of it. I really don't. I want you to take away from this the jaw dropping amount of consumption we have, especially around the holidays. It makes me sick to think that people are dying over lack of clean water when just 2% of our nations holiday spending could be used for the greater good. I don't want to be preachy I just want people to really think about it. This has stayed with me since I saw it last year and as I mentioned yesterday I think about it every single day. It takes just 2.39 minutes of your time. 


Love and peace.


Thank you Papa bear for sending me the info. 

Everyone comes from somewhere..

This apparently is the Alaskan slogan. I have met more people who are from somewhere other than here. It seems like you are in the majority if you didn't grow up in this giant state with tiny towns. In the vets office yesterday the three women including myself were all from the Midwest. 


In fact I was at the library with the girls on Monday, sitting quietly in a window seat minding our own business when out of the corner of my eye this little girl comes creeping around the corner. She's doing the classic, look busy but slowly move toward the prize dance. I don't really mind, I do have a kick butt British accent and high pitched but not annoyingly squeaky bird voice. Well she ends up sitting with us and I'm just wondering where her parents are involved in this operation. Well now she's walking into the bathroom with Bean and I'm starting to get concerned. This guy lumbers over and asks me with a southern drawl "Can you watch my daughter, she tends to get pushy and her brother is on the computer right now." I think my mouth hit the floor. Woah buster brown, you want ME to watch your imp because you can't tell her to go read a book? Seriously. Is this what parenting has come to? We are in a freaking library. It's not rocket science on how to entertain your child there.  What on earth do you want me to say to that. Honestly. I think I mumbled something about us doing homework and he walked away and left his kid with us. Bean proceeds to ask this kid where her mother is and I was not prepared for the answer. "We moved away from her, she's in North Carolina." Bean looks at me and I don't know what to say to her. I love these faux parenting moments. 


I heard today on the radio about a sport called Tower Climbing. Now I am aware of and know people who have climbed, I think the John Hancock back home for charity. Apparently hiking it up stairs is now a full on profession and the number two ranked chick was complaining cause she couldn't get any sponsors. I'm sorry but I just think there are such better things that we can do than make a sport out of going up the stairs. My hips were throbbing just thinking about huffing it up 48 flights of stairs in the mountains. I'm sweating after going up two and limping like a sorely drunken pirate. 


Christmas has been stressing me out lately. I heard a quote last year at my Dad's church that is something along the lines of 'if the United States spent half the money it does on Christmas presents we could solve the world's water crisis.' It's been wedged in my brain ever since and I think about it everyday. Not even just around the holidays. I'm kinda protesting this whole materialistic Christmas thing. I sent home over 30 postcards to friends and family and feel this should suffice. If I had a kitchen I would bake cookies and send those along but I can't. The pickle comes with this new family and that I probably should buy the girls a few little things but then I'm stuck as to what to do with the parents. 


Blarg darn holidays. 

Praise the pear my toilet works!!

Yes. This is a big deal. It means I can handle a situation on my own. Even if it means making an embarrassing walk through the hardware store. Somewhere between the girls and myself the toilet got extremely clogged. And even though I promised my brother I wouldn't discuss this on my blog I will . You all know me too well anyway. So well in fact that my friend today told me to go get hummus and tea while he found something, well I had already done that. Anyway. Toilet. I have spent the past 36 hours fretting, grunting, pouring and pleading with the toilet. I even googled how to unclog one. Even got so bad that I was plotting what stores I could go to in case of emergency. To end this story I resolved it all on my own. Yay me. 

OK that's gross and it's out of the way. 

Let's catch up from what I "forgot" to mention in yesterday's tiresome rant. 

I make a lot of runs to the gas station and the nearest one to my house is a good 10 minute drive. Well I figured out how to pay for gas using cash. This seems really dumb but it's always plagued me. I'm still confused. So, you're suppose to pay ahead of time, dur. So, are you suppose to guess how much you'll spend, and then what happens if you've spent too much, do they reimburse you? I have no idea. 

We've been attending a lot of Christmas functions it feels like and I've been told we are only half way there. I haven't been much in the Christmas spirit but I'm trying to keep it up for the girls. Bear's school last week put on a CHRISTMAS concert, no PC holidayness. For being an elementary school function they did a nice job. I, like a goof ball totally spaced that it was D's birthday that day until I overheard a friend of hers wishing her a happy birthday. So, the next day Bean and I picked out a cake and made decorations and Bear and I picked out flowers. You know you've been with out a kitchen when people are thrilled you figured out how to cook pasta and sauce. In a fondue pot no less. Not the most gourmet or how I would normally do it, but it sufficed. D seemed surprised and the girls were so tickled to put something together for their momma. I like trying to instill family love and kindness with them. 

Speaking of food, I got fed up with eating black bean veggie burgers for the past month and decided to go to the store and make some raw salads. Go me. Yes, that's a bowl of washed veggies in the bathroom. Now, granted it's not the best cooking in the world but it'll suffice and I feel good eating it. I've been without my smoothies for the past month or so and I'm dying inside. Dying I tell you. 

Fast forward to today and it was another busy day with my girlies. It's sort of this odd empowering feeling being responsible and such. I've been feeling really blessed lately to be on this journey . It may be tough surviving Alaska winters but I'm here and it's a journey and I'm gonna go for it. 

I can't even tell you what I did in my spare time this morning after dropping the girls off. I'm that brain fried. After I picked up my Bean we headed to the hospital to visit her mom and pick stuff up. Bean gets a kick out of seeing her and pushing all the buttons to open up the door. I had another post card to send and a few items to pick up so we swung by Hell. 

It's awesome when you are four and you totally don't care about changing in the car into your tutu in front of a bunch of other people. (We were at her dance school not hell, by the way). 

Oh to be that age again. Maybe. 

I got to talk to my folks today while waiting to pick up Bear from school. It's great hearing their voices even if I'm interrupting dinner because I can't keep track of the time difference. Apparently the last dog I was so worried about being cute has been replaced due to its wildness with an older dogie who goes at my mothers pace. Good stuff. 

Speaking of pooches, that sad eyed dog up their lost his dingle berries today. Bear and I picked him from the vet and he came bounding over like nothing was wrong. The girls kept asking why Bezor had surgery, I told them to ask their Mom. I wasn't touching that with a ten foot pole. I texted D and told her I had differed them to her and when I saw her at home later that night she just gave me the funniest look and we both started laughing because the girls immediately asked her what had happened to their dog. 

So I'm usually the queen and biatch of healthy meals but tonight I let the girls have a special treat. Their parents were going out for dinner so I told my pumpkins we could have breakfast for dinner and they were thrilled. I tried to make this somewhat healthy by throwing fruit in the mix. I kid you not I made this whole stinking thing in the microwave. I thought it was gross but the girls loved it. 

I scrubbed em up in the bath and then we did art projects till their parents got home at which point my weary self very willingly came into my room and collapsed. A Skype conversation turned into a "mini" lesson with a good friend. I'm starting to see some progress as I can now pretty well sight read some basic pieces. Yay me. 

Well folks it's an hour past my beddy bye time and it's gonna be the third 12hourish day tomorrow. Bonne nuit.  You have stories about my exes, me turning into my parents and odd parenting styles at the library to look forward to tomorrow. Lucky you! 

I'm not an idiot I swear...

I just come out sounding like one a lot. Or at least feeling like someone that wants to stick their entire giant size 10.5-11 sized foot into my mouth. Then, crawl into the fetal position and simultaneously and miraculously run away. Don't question it, just go with it. 


I would like to present to you a symphony of idiocracy. 


(which by the way is in no way a sponsored plug but you should go Netflix {again not a sponsored plug} this movie, it's awesome)......


I was all excited one night because I was gonna climb into my jammers, boil a cup of tea and curl up to a movie well what did I do..I was brushed my teeth, got all cozy and then noticed my delicious clear my sinuses cup of tea. Well I drank it anyway. Mint on mint I say. 


Then there was the time that I was fed up with not cooking, looked up some amazing recipes and used my day off to go to the grocery store to buy completely out of season vegetables. And there I was having to pee and wandering around aimlessly like a lost chimp in the city in the produce section of the grocery store. Determined that if I just kept moving I could avoid the public bathroom hell. 


On that same day off I had the brilliant idea to take a yoga class. A yoga class with a witch. First I made the mistake of trying to bring water into class. Insert some Asian accent, I know better than you voice in here "Drink water now, none in the room." Jill gulps an entire glass of icy cold water, super fast. Then I made the mistake of forgetting to take off my black sweatshirt and socks, so I placed them next to me like I did in my last class. "You will not be needing that, no obstacles in class, get rid of that."Sulks to the edge of the room and deposits contraband items. Then I collapse into child's pose after a few too many minutes in downward facing dog. "You need to hold poses until I say to move." Jill replies "I have a torn shoulder and I can't do too much weight bearing." This spins off to a 5 , which feels like ten, minute speech about why "no one ever tells me about their injuries." Lady, I'm thinking to myself, you spent the first five minutes of knowing me staring at me auspiciously and making me want to squirm. Oh it just gets better. We're now attempting a back bend/arch over metal chairs onto the wall. Yeah. That's right. Well I'm in said pose kinda freaked out that my over stretched thigh muscle from the last class is going to give out, my sweaty toes are going to slip on the chair and my bum shoulder is going to collapse so I flop back over. Well..oh ho ho...I got ridiculed for a good five minutes and the rest of class about "look how Jill comes flying out of her pose, don't do this like Jill, you'll get hurt." Then she is straddling me while I'm in upward facing dog asking me if she can lift up my shirt to look at something, what am I suppose to say at this point? After class she asks me about my injury and like an idiot I tell her about my near death 360 spin and she poo poos me and says, "I just wanted to know the injury, did they take away any muscle." Lady I'm gonna take away some of your muscles...


Now I'm back at home and I get cornered by the contractor. I have a big mouth sometimes that I'm not good at closing. Just ask my co-worker at home. Well some how I got on the topic of the remodel and the progress and now I'm stuck in this odd place of kinda telling him how the parents are feeling, which is now just really not coming out right and I'm trying to back peddle as fast as humanly possibly and pleading that my Bean who is a long pooer poos faster to get me out of this trap.  


The other au-pair invited me to go snow-shoeing with her on Friday evening. Totally cool right? Well apparently it was already filled. After my hell induced yoga class I told her I would meet her for dinner. Well the entire dinner was rather awkward and I felt completely depressed after being told for a good twenty minutes how entirely awesome the summers are around here and that the winters are rather paltry. As if this current winter wasn't soul sucking enough. 


Then just to make things worse I sound like a complete loon and ask her about laundry. I thought that the previous au pair for my girls went to her house to do laundry since ours isn't functional. Normally I just drop off my laundry at the laundromat but have to wait a day to get it back. Well I only have one set of sheets so that wouldn't work. Well I apparently was so fried that this girl had to remind me that normal people just take their things to the laundromat and sit there patiently to take care of their things. This in turn reminds me of my collegiate days and being hit on by lumberjacks..


The end. Of that rant. I've been away from you for a week you better believe that there is more. 


So I'm kinda still in the "bonding" phase with my new family and agreed to go Anchorage to visit family, buy a new car and attend a Christmas party. 


I forgot that in Anchorage I sleep on the couch in a very open living room. I get no sleep. I also get sumo wrestled at 4 a.m by 20 pounds of cat.  And woken up at 6:45 am by tiny feet looking for hot cocoa. 


On Sunday we drove to Dana's old digs in Girdwood. The houses there were simply amazing. Odd architecture that all resembles a triangle left in the eighties. The party was small and I had to survive on fruit and we lost power only a handful of times. But you know you are in Alaska when you talk about bear castration at a Christmas party. 


We were super lucky to have left when we did. Apparently the road we were driving on that incorporates Turnagain Arm is one of the deadliest roads in America. We drove in some of the scariest driving conditions I and D have ever witnessed. It normally takes about an hour and forty five minutes to get home. It took us four. The rain was pounding the car and winds were whipping at 80 mph. Entire caravans of semis, trucks, and trooper cars were stuck on the road. Little mountain roads completely whited out. It was frightening. I was doing my best to keep the girls occupied such as singing lullabies to my four year old in the middle of a snow apocalypse. The next day Anchorage schools were closed, schools don't close in Alaska. 


I am thankful that we made it home. Right after we got out they shut down the pass.


Well I hope that my time off has given my ghost audience time to catch up on all my rants and ramblings. 


I've discovered that I have a tornado brain. That as monotonous and dreary and soul sucking as writing can be, this is a good outlet for all the crazy stirrings that are mulling around in here.  So, I'm gonna do my very best to write every day. It's therapeutic and I love hearing people's feedback. I'll post photos tomorrow when I dig my camera outta the car. Everyone rocks. I'm glad this mini hiatus is over.

I think this is adieu...for now..

I can hardly believe I'm writing this. I'm feeling kinda down in the dumps and blah and am pretty much resigned to not posting every day. Life around here is painted in a sea of sameness. I have really nothing much to talk about. I've been having a hard time feeling like I fit in, knowing my place, adapting to rural life and fighting the itch to run away to a big city. Don't get me wrong I'm not regretting my decision in any way. It's so odd too because this morning I was feeling on top of things but I just sorta slid into this, what the hec moment. Part of me wonders if I'm not being the best nanny I can. Maybe I'm just stricter than the last or something is going on with the girls. I don't yell or scream unless a kid is in imminent danger. I just have been using my strong nanny voice a lot more lately. I'm' pretty stern about fruits and veggies, being a good listener, not annoying the crap out of me and being kind. It's not a hard formula. Eat well, listen to me and behave. Seriously. I'm not that demanding. I just don't know what's going on, or if it's me. I think I'm gonna bid the daily diary adieu for now until something more momentous occurs. Something along the lines of a trip or something that actually happens, as oppose to the daily grind of driving constantly and listening to chitter chatter in the car. So, yes dear friend or two I shall write to you again when the Earth moves.

Has it really been 30 days?

Well apparently it has. It's been a month since I've touched down in the land of snowy cold darkness. I'd like to share with you a few of the things I've noticed/observed/learned these past few weeks:

-People eat road kill. Really. They do. There is even a sign up list and procedures and protocols for this. Now maybe this happens back home and I was just blissfully unaware. However, here it's common knowledge. A moose was killed a few steps from our driveway and J went out to see if he could have it, well the ranger wasn't having it and told him there were people ahead of him on the list. Free meat I suppose.

-There is no such concept at the US here. There's the lower 48 and then there is Alaska. I saw a sign on a truck the other day that made me chuckle. It was for a shipping company and it said "we deliver to Alaska, Canada and the US." Everyone around here refers to things as us and them. There's almost a wistful nostalgia to it. 

-Boots are a mandatory clothing article. I was met with bewilderment and gaping mouths when I stepped off the plane in my faux Birkenstock. It was a mad dash and rush to find me a pair of boots. Now granted, given my limited amount of time here I only own one pair but it's pretty typical to have a closet full for each occasion. 

-No one cares what you look like. Honestly. I walk around with barely a trace of tinted moisturizer, jeans from 8 years ago and a long sleeve shirt from my previous nanny days and I fit right in. You actually look like a goof ball and out of place if you are all dressy and fashion forward.

-There is one phone area code. Which makes putting up billboards nice but if you're a spaz with numbers like I am you keep inverting what the prefix should be. 

-Being a tom boy is not an oddity. Kids catch fish, do karate, ski, hike and hunt and parents don't take a million pictures. That's normal around here. 

-Kids play outside when it's 0 degrees outside. Now maybe my view on temperatures has been skewed slightly but that seems really cold to me. Yet every Monday I pack a giant bag for both girls with all their snow gear and that's where they head for recess. 

-On the topic of weather....I now love 20-30 degree days. Those are the days when I'm not bundled like an Eskimo and simply go out in my fleece and down vest. I love the days where my nostrils don't freeze. 

-Roads. I can barely see them half the time either due to people blaring their brights on me, snow or icy rain falling or fog rolling in from the inlet. There are also a lot of moose. In fact today alone a giant steer (?) went running across the road no problem and further on down were 5-6 moose just casually eating away. When we went sledding in Anchorage there was a moose just hanging out around by the hill and no one cared. 

-Being an au-pair and a nanny/babysitting are two totally different functions. There are so many more rules, mores and general questions as an au-pair. The role you play and the hours you work are so jumbled it's discombobulating sometimes. I'm hoping it'll work itself out soon. 

-It really is dark here. A lot. The sun doesn't usually start coming up until I'm on my way home from dropping off the girls. That's about 9:30-10ish. The days where we actually see the sun are far and few between. If it's out it's usually hiding behind the clouds and the day is overcast. And, yes the sun starts to set around 3:30 here. 

-Things I miss. Restaurants with more options than a plain salad to eat. Being able to call my friends and not just video chat but actually hanging out. I miss simple conveniences like Walgreens and Kinko's and fast internet. I miss being able to drive five minutes and be somewhere as opposed to everything being 20 minutes apart in relation to home. Being able to have a place this neither work nor

-Things I'm enjoying. Learning the Alaskan way. Learning to find things on my own. The definition of fun now includes Contra dancing. Hanging out with the girls, especially when we're not running from place to place. The motivation to slow down and appreciate the day because I'm gonna have to go home and find something to write about.

-I've really enjoyed hearing feedback from so many people that they are reading this spewing of my dwindling brain cells. I really miss everyone back home and encourage you to eat chocolate in my honor. Lots of love and peace being beamed your way.-