I'm not an idiot I swear...

I just come out sounding like one a lot. Or at least feeling like someone that wants to stick their entire giant size 10.5-11 sized foot into my mouth. Then, crawl into the fetal position and simultaneously and miraculously run away. Don't question it, just go with it. 


I would like to present to you a symphony of idiocracy. 


(which by the way is in no way a sponsored plug but you should go Netflix {again not a sponsored plug} this movie, it's awesome)......


I was all excited one night because I was gonna climb into my jammers, boil a cup of tea and curl up to a movie well what did I do..I was brushed my teeth, got all cozy and then noticed my delicious clear my sinuses cup of tea. Well I drank it anyway. Mint on mint I say. 


Then there was the time that I was fed up with not cooking, looked up some amazing recipes and used my day off to go to the grocery store to buy completely out of season vegetables. And there I was having to pee and wandering around aimlessly like a lost chimp in the city in the produce section of the grocery store. Determined that if I just kept moving I could avoid the public bathroom hell. 


On that same day off I had the brilliant idea to take a yoga class. A yoga class with a witch. First I made the mistake of trying to bring water into class. Insert some Asian accent, I know better than you voice in here "Drink water now, none in the room." Jill gulps an entire glass of icy cold water, super fast. Then I made the mistake of forgetting to take off my black sweatshirt and socks, so I placed them next to me like I did in my last class. "You will not be needing that, no obstacles in class, get rid of that."Sulks to the edge of the room and deposits contraband items. Then I collapse into child's pose after a few too many minutes in downward facing dog. "You need to hold poses until I say to move." Jill replies "I have a torn shoulder and I can't do too much weight bearing." This spins off to a 5 , which feels like ten, minute speech about why "no one ever tells me about their injuries." Lady, I'm thinking to myself, you spent the first five minutes of knowing me staring at me auspiciously and making me want to squirm. Oh it just gets better. We're now attempting a back bend/arch over metal chairs onto the wall. Yeah. That's right. Well I'm in said pose kinda freaked out that my over stretched thigh muscle from the last class is going to give out, my sweaty toes are going to slip on the chair and my bum shoulder is going to collapse so I flop back over. Well..oh ho ho...I got ridiculed for a good five minutes and the rest of class about "look how Jill comes flying out of her pose, don't do this like Jill, you'll get hurt." Then she is straddling me while I'm in upward facing dog asking me if she can lift up my shirt to look at something, what am I suppose to say at this point? After class she asks me about my injury and like an idiot I tell her about my near death 360 spin and she poo poos me and says, "I just wanted to know the injury, did they take away any muscle." Lady I'm gonna take away some of your muscles...


Now I'm back at home and I get cornered by the contractor. I have a big mouth sometimes that I'm not good at closing. Just ask my co-worker at home. Well some how I got on the topic of the remodel and the progress and now I'm stuck in this odd place of kinda telling him how the parents are feeling, which is now just really not coming out right and I'm trying to back peddle as fast as humanly possibly and pleading that my Bean who is a long pooer poos faster to get me out of this trap.  


The other au-pair invited me to go snow-shoeing with her on Friday evening. Totally cool right? Well apparently it was already filled. After my hell induced yoga class I told her I would meet her for dinner. Well the entire dinner was rather awkward and I felt completely depressed after being told for a good twenty minutes how entirely awesome the summers are around here and that the winters are rather paltry. As if this current winter wasn't soul sucking enough. 


Then just to make things worse I sound like a complete loon and ask her about laundry. I thought that the previous au pair for my girls went to her house to do laundry since ours isn't functional. Normally I just drop off my laundry at the laundromat but have to wait a day to get it back. Well I only have one set of sheets so that wouldn't work. Well I apparently was so fried that this girl had to remind me that normal people just take their things to the laundromat and sit there patiently to take care of their things. This in turn reminds me of my collegiate days and being hit on by lumberjacks..


The end. Of that rant. I've been away from you for a week you better believe that there is more. 


So I'm kinda still in the "bonding" phase with my new family and agreed to go Anchorage to visit family, buy a new car and attend a Christmas party. 


I forgot that in Anchorage I sleep on the couch in a very open living room. I get no sleep. I also get sumo wrestled at 4 a.m by 20 pounds of cat.  And woken up at 6:45 am by tiny feet looking for hot cocoa. 


On Sunday we drove to Dana's old digs in Girdwood. The houses there were simply amazing. Odd architecture that all resembles a triangle left in the eighties. The party was small and I had to survive on fruit and we lost power only a handful of times. But you know you are in Alaska when you talk about bear castration at a Christmas party. 


We were super lucky to have left when we did. Apparently the road we were driving on that incorporates Turnagain Arm is one of the deadliest roads in America. We drove in some of the scariest driving conditions I and D have ever witnessed. It normally takes about an hour and forty five minutes to get home. It took us four. The rain was pounding the car and winds were whipping at 80 mph. Entire caravans of semis, trucks, and trooper cars were stuck on the road. Little mountain roads completely whited out. It was frightening. I was doing my best to keep the girls occupied such as singing lullabies to my four year old in the middle of a snow apocalypse. The next day Anchorage schools were closed, schools don't close in Alaska. 


I am thankful that we made it home. Right after we got out they shut down the pass.


Well I hope that my time off has given my ghost audience time to catch up on all my rants and ramblings. 


I've discovered that I have a tornado brain. That as monotonous and dreary and soul sucking as writing can be, this is a good outlet for all the crazy stirrings that are mulling around in here.  So, I'm gonna do my very best to write every day. It's therapeutic and I love hearing people's feedback. I'll post photos tomorrow when I dig my camera outta the car. Everyone rocks. I'm glad this mini hiatus is over.