Change

Change sucks. There I said it. It's down right frightening. It's intimidating. It's life altering. It's reaffirming. It's gradual. It's sudden. It's knocking on your door right this minute. Go answer it already. 


Without change we become stagnant. We become frozen in the usual quandaries of life. Yet, we don't always acknowledge the minor changes happening around us. Suddenly the snow has wandered off your front stoop. Your dogs gait has slowed. Your children are now eye to eye with your chin hairs. Flowers peek up from their frozen hibernation. 


I woke up the other morning, after dying in a car crash in my dreams,  breathing hard as though the ripple of pain I felt in my dreams had carried it's way through the real world. 


Change is happening in my life right now. Apparently it's manifesting itself in my dreams through violent and horrific inevitable car crashes. But this morning I woke up and something felt different. 


The world was painted a different shade. The sun was no brighter than the day before. No major news had bleeped on the radio. No phone calls with life changing news had transpired. Yet, something was different. 

It was my attitude. I had finally come to accept that the changes in my life were happening. Happening faster than I knew what to do with. But they were happening. No sense in fighting it. Here it was. Much like I've been blabbering it...I'm standing here arms wide open ready to embrace it. 

****SIDE STORY**** (It totally fits the theme I promise)


My friend Bethany had done a solo hike in the fall and wanted to show it to me, so I agreed to meet her for the hour and a half drive up to the trail head. Well we were dressed for an early summer hike and rearing to go. Our hike started off in mushy wet snow, greeted by some conglomerate of a chicken looking thing. We thought, oh geeze snow. No big deal, it'll melt further down the trail and we'll be fine. WRONG. Never in my life did I think I'd be standing knee high in snow, in the middle of May in Alaska. We had to divert, scoot under trees, post hole, whine, complain and forge our way through what we could. It took us four very long and wet hours to only make it about 3 miles round trip. We got to a point where we realized we were eventually going to have to turn around and trudge back through what we just came through. It forever changed my definition of a strange hike....


***Back to you regularly scheduled programming.....****

I have a lot to look forward to in the coming weeks. Most importantly, I will be coming home! Sooner than expected, but none the less. Home. Home sweet wonderful home.

It's funny the normalcy, habits and day to day happenings that once made me want to scream and well y'know run off to Alaska, that are tugging at my heart strings. I miss walking with my Mom around our neighborhood block. I miss making late night Walgreens runs with my Dad. I miss slices of pizza with friends in the Commons. 

It apparently has taken me 199 days to realize this, but I didn't come to Alaska for some wild adventure seeking rush. I came here searching for this cheesy, get to know Jill, adventure. And, y'know what? I've done that. I am more self assured and in the mental space that I know where I stand in life. My personality had been developed around the person I was when I was with big fat jerk face. I didn't like that person that I'd become. I like the me I see in the mirror these days. So, I'm ready to pack up my bags and head for home and embark on the next journey. 


These next few weeks will be stomach churning, nerve racking, soaring, wonderful and scary. But also, I'm coming home to tell the tale of how I live in a cold, dark Alaskan winter for 7 months. That I'm forever grateful for this experience, no matter how trying it has been. And best of all I can't wait to see my wonderful family and friends back home. 


I received an e-mail from "my" kiddos back home and I nearly melted into a sobbing little puddle...


                                 

P.S.-I love and can't wait to see you too!!!!