Serenity

Here's the musing I promised you yesterday....


In college I was the kid that stayed home on Friday nights and listened to opera and pieced together puzzles. That was my serenity. Or maybe I just wasn't cool enough to you know go out and do stuff...whatever stuff is that college kids do. I had gone through a pretty tough "loss" in my life and was coping and finding my inner happiness in the only way I knew how. 

So as I've kind of hinted I haven't dated much, one significant relationship with the person I've now deemed big fat jerk face. It was a pretty intense relationship. When it all came crashing down I took it pretty hard even though I knew that it was coming for a long time. I was too scared to let it go. Too insecure to admit that I wasn't happy. After it all ended I hated when people would tell me to "go find myself." What in the hell does that mean. Seriously. After modeling myself, my attitudes, my beliefs, my interests and passions after someone for the past 2.5 years I had lost the me which had become a we . People would tell me a few weeks after the near constant sobbing had ended, that I was happier. I started thinking to myself, am I really happy? Was I not happy then? I sure felt happiness. Or what I thought was happiness. 

Honestly, you can't just snap your fingers and find yourself. It doesn't happen over night, in a day, a week or even a year. It's a road that never is quite ending. 

I remember sitting down one day with a giant box of markers and a sheet of paper and started writing down all the things that I loved doing and all the qualities that I felt made up my character. It was empowering seeing those all down on paper. Slowly the picture of who, Jillian, is as a person was coming into focus. Everyday is a discovery of this being, of who this bundle of molecules is. 

Being here in Alaska, being so far away from my home and my family has forced me to be the most introspective I've ever been.

I am now at peace with the person that I am. I always thought it was corny when people said that they knew what loving themselves was. For the first time in my life I can look in the mirror and love the person staring back.

One of the things I decided when I came out here was that this was going to be my year of "rest". Yes I know my job keeps me busy. I mean rest in the sense that I'm not going to worry that I spent an entire weekend in my pajamas lounging about. I've been running at a million miles an hour for goodness knows how long. When else am I going to have a year of being able to do all things I've always wanted to but never could find the time. This is the year of my serenity. 

Serenity came today in the form of taking a walk on the beach. A beach that is right outside my back door. I bundled up, ignored the forecast of minus 8 degrees outside, strapped on my snow shoes and headed out. 

The hard packed snow crunched beneath my feet as I hurdled glaciers that had formed on the once sandy shores. I took in deep cool breaths of mountain air and let the wind nip at my cheeks. The sun was low over the mountains. The air was still. A small white bird danced in and out of the tall grass poking up under piles of snow. The water swirled under the mist that was floating in the air. 

The camera was in and out of it's protective shell, trying in earnest to capture the beauty of the scene around me. I bravely descended over piles of snow, frozen bits of water and large cracks that had formed. All the while making sure I had a route back up on the "mainland". I sat down on the frozen tundra and and was in awe of the scene in front of me. This was my new serenity. 

The little voice inside my head that keeps this blog going was rambling at a million miles an hour. Ever since moving here the creative side that has been buried for so long as finally had a place to spew all of it's words and musings and other bits. It's as though this valve has turned on and the gush of words that has come out doesn't seem to have an off switch. 

Take a moment to find the things in your life that give you peace and serenity. What makes you feel at one with yourself? Where does that creative side that lives in all of us burst forth in great rhapsody? You don't have to move 3,000 miles away to find it. I'm sure you can locate it somewhere. When you do, it's the most amazing feeling. 

It's a feeling that wraps you up in it's warm embrace and tells you that you are home. It's sticking your hands in a bowl of cookie dough. It's snuggling up close with your kids. It's drawing lines on a canvas. Or sipping a warm cup of tea while taking the time to admire the sunset. 

Finding serenity is finding peace within ourselves.