Look Twice

I'm going through what some might call a pre-mid life crisis, crisis. A crisis of identity. A second look at who I am. I know that who I am is always going a be fluctuating image much like the tide. Coming and going and changing with the seasons. One minute I see myself as a nomad traveling around the world teaching English, capturing my travels on film and in my writing. Other days I see myself living in a community that supports my healthy lifestyle, going to graduate school for my MSW. Other days I see myself just nanny hopping from one family to the next. Part of me wants stability and the other relishes travel. I try not to let myself feel jealous when I read of former classmates off on fabulous journeys or read blogs about smart women and men who've turned a living out of their passion. I read about people travelling to India to study with gurus and then traveling to Europe to study with the great masters and then came home and started a business. How completely awe inspiriting is that?

I just feel like I'm so scattered some days that I don't even know what my calling is or my stance is. This whole internet business has made things rather difficult. I feel like getting started is the hardest part of all this. 

I'm really trying hard to be happy in the moment, but that's really tough for me. I'm always thinking about the next step. Once I figure out what that is maybe then I can breathe. Hopefully. 

I just can't even see myself going back to the 9 to 5 rat race. I never ever, ever, ever, ever (have I made it clear enough?) want to work for the corporate warlords. EVER. I like routine but good golly miss molly I will not be a cubicle rat so help me the heavenly pear I will not. 

I know all of the horror stories about being a social worker, hec, most of my friends are. But I think I've decided, for today, to apply to Portland University through their MSW program and the Peace Corps International. If I don't get in I'll apply to the TEFL Institute and wait it out a year until I do. OK. Yeah. For right now that sounds good...I think...

I also wonder sometimes why it is I've taken it upon myself to write and photograph every day for this blog. It's not like I have some cult following reading my every word, drooling for the next semi witty word. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not in a bad mood. Although I know it's starting to sound that way. 

I think I'm writing to prove in some weird way that I can accomplish something I set my mind to. That this writing is a place for all the crazy things jumbling and jumping around in my brain to be released. Although half the time I don't always make it to the computer before the flitting idea escapes. It gives my otherwise routine days a sense of purpose. I sort of relish, well most days, the idea of having a purpose to the end of my day. Either spewing about the day, some funny happening or some poetic rambling that I've been repeating to myself all day. You tend to do a lot of thinking when you're driving around all day.

So boring or not I'm gonna write every day. Damn it. 

(or at least post a picture..even that of shower tiles)

:)