NAME CHANGE!

Hey all...I realized I didn't update the blog correctly. So I've temporarily switched it back to the original name. In the next few days I'm going to switch the blog to wanderingsouldiaries.blogspot.com. Posts about my trip through Alaska/Portland and the process of coming home will be up shortly. Love you all!

209 Days as an Alaskan Nanny...

It has been the craziest, most challenging, wonderful, strange and awe inspiring journey I have ever been on. No I'm not going not going to sit here and list 209 reasons, a.) I'm far too zombie like for that, b.) no one would read this and c.) that's just crazy talk.

I both need to write right now and also just curl up and go to bed. It's been a really emotional day and I've spent the better part of it crying. Well, then embarrassment when I realized after saying my goodbyes, that I had left my camera and had to go back and get it.

I had steeled my heart for the past few weeks and then it all just came crashing down today. I was filled with doubt, sadness and elation.

The words that have filled this journal over the past few months will never do justice to the changes that have occurred within me. As cheesy as this sounds I am honestly a completely different me. You don't realize what a different person you become when you attach yourself to an emotionally abusive tub of lard. I still have "scars" and sadness about losing someone that was once a best friend but I'm healing and I feel so self confident and less anxious about the little things that I'm not in control of. I'm keeping my fingers crossed it lasts and carries over when I'm back in the places that remind me so much of the past. I'm keeping my chin up that I will.

While this "job" was never a step in the upward direction in the resume world, that was never what it was suppose to be. I can completely sympathize with the stay at home mothers plight. I have never felt more like a taxi driver in all of my life. I always had to be 5 steps ahead of the game and flexible beyond measure. I can brave icy, wintry roads and random spring blizzards. It will be odd not seeing moose on the side of the road and mountains surrounding me.

I will miss my girls so terribly much. They have been the sweetest most amazing girls in the world. My little Bean has made me laugh harder, lose my hair and make the silliest faces that I've developed creases in my forehead.  My Bear has the most creative, imaginative mind and can be stubborn as can be, but sweet as honey.

I held them in my arms today and just sobbed.

I know I have wonderful adventures waiting for me in the future.

And most importantly I have amazing friends to come home to. I can hardly believe in 12 days time I'll  be back in the land of corn.

So goodbye to my beautiful girls.

Goodbye to the land of Northern Southern hospitality.

Goodbye to simple road directions.

Goodbye to eating moose for dinner.

Goodbye to temperatures reaching minus 20 below.

Goodbye to sandy walks on my backyard beach.

Goodbye to all of my new friends.

But, hello to a new wonderful me.

Hello to a new chapter in life.

Hello to seeing family and friends back home.

Hello to lots of school work.

Hello to travels.

Hello wonderful wide world. I'm here and I'm ready to go.

Love and Peace.

Too Much Sun

Walk on the beach...check.
Favorite Yin yoga class...check.
Delicious smoothie and chocolate bar...double check.
One month ahead on homework....nerd check.
98.89% packed.....ugh, yes.
Circadian rhythm all messed up.... confirmed.

I honestly never thought that I would say this but, this never ending sun is a lot harder to deal with than the drudges of a sleepy winter. At least then I always felt compelled and not guilty for curling up to sleep. Now I feel manic and as though all I do is nap. No amount of tricking my brain is helping this situation. It has slowly gotten to the point where it's duskish at 1 a.m. and my brain says, oh hey, you shouldn't be sleeping, why are you sleeping? Then I wake up at 7 a.m to a full glory sun and it all starts over again. It's weird.

It's also weird that this is what a 9 pm stroll on the beach looks like:

I will say I am going to sorely miss the views here. Driving around town and seeing mountains is comforting. I'm gonna miss them.

Well, I've gotten everything on my little list of things to do in Kenai done. I forced myself to get out of my sloth like existence and go to my favorite yoga class. A solid hour and a half of deep stretching does the body good. Then I loitered at Coffee Roasters with my delicious smoothie and pushed ahead on the Mt. Everest of homework. Being responsible and all I want to make sure I'm waaaay ahead given that I'll be either in the middle of nowhere or out on the town in the next few weeks and the last thing I want to think about is homework.

It's hard to believe that come Saturday I'll no longer be an Alaskan nanny. I'm excited. There's a lot waiting for me. I'm ready. Let the time fly. Oh please let the time fly...

Change

Change sucks. There I said it. It's down right frightening. It's intimidating. It's life altering. It's reaffirming. It's gradual. It's sudden. It's knocking on your door right this minute. Go answer it already. 


Without change we become stagnant. We become frozen in the usual quandaries of life. Yet, we don't always acknowledge the minor changes happening around us. Suddenly the snow has wandered off your front stoop. Your dogs gait has slowed. Your children are now eye to eye with your chin hairs. Flowers peek up from their frozen hibernation. 


I woke up the other morning, after dying in a car crash in my dreams,  breathing hard as though the ripple of pain I felt in my dreams had carried it's way through the real world. 


Change is happening in my life right now. Apparently it's manifesting itself in my dreams through violent and horrific inevitable car crashes. But this morning I woke up and something felt different. 


The world was painted a different shade. The sun was no brighter than the day before. No major news had bleeped on the radio. No phone calls with life changing news had transpired. Yet, something was different. 

It was my attitude. I had finally come to accept that the changes in my life were happening. Happening faster than I knew what to do with. But they were happening. No sense in fighting it. Here it was. Much like I've been blabbering it...I'm standing here arms wide open ready to embrace it. 

****SIDE STORY**** (It totally fits the theme I promise)


My friend Bethany had done a solo hike in the fall and wanted to show it to me, so I agreed to meet her for the hour and a half drive up to the trail head. Well we were dressed for an early summer hike and rearing to go. Our hike started off in mushy wet snow, greeted by some conglomerate of a chicken looking thing. We thought, oh geeze snow. No big deal, it'll melt further down the trail and we'll be fine. WRONG. Never in my life did I think I'd be standing knee high in snow, in the middle of May in Alaska. We had to divert, scoot under trees, post hole, whine, complain and forge our way through what we could. It took us four very long and wet hours to only make it about 3 miles round trip. We got to a point where we realized we were eventually going to have to turn around and trudge back through what we just came through. It forever changed my definition of a strange hike....


***Back to you regularly scheduled programming.....****

I have a lot to look forward to in the coming weeks. Most importantly, I will be coming home! Sooner than expected, but none the less. Home. Home sweet wonderful home.

It's funny the normalcy, habits and day to day happenings that once made me want to scream and well y'know run off to Alaska, that are tugging at my heart strings. I miss walking with my Mom around our neighborhood block. I miss making late night Walgreens runs with my Dad. I miss slices of pizza with friends in the Commons. 

It apparently has taken me 199 days to realize this, but I didn't come to Alaska for some wild adventure seeking rush. I came here searching for this cheesy, get to know Jill, adventure. And, y'know what? I've done that. I am more self assured and in the mental space that I know where I stand in life. My personality had been developed around the person I was when I was with big fat jerk face. I didn't like that person that I'd become. I like the me I see in the mirror these days. So, I'm ready to pack up my bags and head for home and embark on the next journey. 


These next few weeks will be stomach churning, nerve racking, soaring, wonderful and scary. But also, I'm coming home to tell the tale of how I live in a cold, dark Alaskan winter for 7 months. That I'm forever grateful for this experience, no matter how trying it has been. And best of all I can't wait to see my wonderful family and friends back home. 


I received an e-mail from "my" kiddos back home and I nearly melted into a sobbing little puddle...


                                 

P.S.-I love and can't wait to see you too!!!!

Finding your path

I was driving home this weekend from Anchorage, minding  my own business, swatting away rain drops on my windshield, when suddenly I was jerked out of my lulled consciousness. I started noticing snow blanketing the side of the road. I don't mean just a nice little covering. I honestly mean early December, first real snow of the year white fluffiness. In the blink of an eye I was in the middle of a full on blizzard. A blizzard in May, people. Then just like that out of nowhere, I turned a corner and the sun came roaring out it in it's finest glory.

It's sort of a cheesy parallel to how the path of life can feel. You start life off where everything is sunny and cheerful, your biggest worry is who gets to play with the doll first. Then along comes the real bumps of life. Zits, boys and the prom. But you keep traveling, meanwhile everyone is asking, pestering and bugging the day lights out of you to figure out your life. How is that possible when you can barely figure out your trigonometry homework?  There are glorious moments of sunshine, when all in the world seems right as rain. But then you get deluged all over again and little drops of water prick your skin like a Chinese water torture device.

The question of what I want to be when I grow up has been swarming around my head a lot these last few weeks. It's funny when I talk to people, people far older than I am, with kids and seemingly normal jobs and the like, they all respond the same way. That they are trying to figure that out too.

It's a lot harder than it seems to just throw up our hands and say, to hec with it and go where the wind blows. That we will always be on the quest to finding our path, in the twisting winding way that is our world.

Currently my brain is fighting a battle of being present and calm in the moment and simultaneously quashing the teeny, high pitched voice of panic. The voice that is screaming with all it's might about time lines, job searches, school applications, right/wrong decisions, where to live, what city to call home, when to go home, when to go on a trip. It's enough to make your brain explode.

That's why I drove 3 hours through the mountains.

It's worth every silent, heart pounding moment.

I came in on Friday night and enjoyed the most calming quiet. It was simply divine. No noise, no kids pattering around. No straining to hear if the kitchen was all clear. No pounding. No whining. Just me. Just me eating dinner, where and when I want to. Alone. Truly alone. Watching a movie on the couch. Talking to Michael where I want to. Not feeling the slightest bit of guilt about lounging in bed until noon the following day. That my friends is, serenity.

I am so blessed to have people on my path of discovery. My family up in Anchorage is fabulous. They are kind and respectful. They treat me with genuine sincerity and the kids are a hoot to hang out with. It's my second home away from home for this nomad.

I had a normal persons weekend, keeping my brain busy. I have to admit to someone that I ate scallops for the first time in 2ish years and man it was fabulous. My tummy felt a little odd, but it was worth it. I saw a dopey movie with a friend and then helped him and another teacher clean up their classrooms for the coming summer. There's something to be said about keeping busy.

So, yes I will gladly brave blizzards for these weekends of normalcy.

I have to remember to channel my inner omm and remember to be present. That life is a path waiting to scream with sunshine when the time is right. We may be in the midst of a full on hurricane but soon enough warm rays will wrap us up in it's sweet embrace. We will get to the end eventually. Might as well enjoy the ride, even if that means we wear rain coats.

Severe Weather

There's a weather phenomenon known as the nanny tornado. It's the idea that you run around like a crazy chicken flitting from thing to thing, putting out fires as you go and making sure everything is done within a specified time period. Now, I imagine with parents this is a little different. If the dishes don't get done, or the toys don't get picked up or the clothes are lying in a pile it can wait until tomorrow. For me that's not an option. I have to get it all done before the parents get home. So like a whirlwind on steroids I get the groceries into the car, read books at the library and do the school pick up. Come home, unload the groceries, let the dog chase the turkey mercilessly and have the kids call their mom. Then, we're bundled in rain gear and getting some fresh air on the beach. Back inside making a mess in my bathroom to prep for a project.  Simultaneously chopping potatoes and testing the 7 year old on her spelling words. Yell down the stairs to ensure that the 5 year old is actually cleaning and not stalling since she's come upstairs to pee 3 times now. Line up for lessons in karate, yelling hiya's and blocking the air, sister teaching sister, nanny follows along. Unload the dishwasher of the drippy wet dishes and load up the crusted up old ones. Doing an art project and dancing to silly music. The kids are now covered like a Jackson Pollock work, head to toe splattered in paint. They paint in their undies for a reason. Hynie dances bound around the kitchen island and the water gets warmed up for a bubble bath.  Splish splash and Santa Claus beards. Running back and forth from the kitchen to prep the chicken and the bathroom to ensure a typhoon hasn't bleeped on the forecast. Completely forgot I had blasted the home made french fries and the smoke alarm starts blaring. Fries are fine. Fresh air pours in from the sliding door. Wrap the girls up like burritos and lay out fresh jammers. Dinner is warming in the oven. Plates are put out and veggies and fruit is chopped up. Dad comes in the door, girls bound up the stairs two at a time. Eat. Scoop out ice cream. Entertain girls, while Dad is busy, rounding corners quickly in a garden board-game dash. Teaching lessons in sportsmanship. Teeth sparkling clean, books picked. Goodnight kisses given. 

Breathe.

(Did I mention this was in the span of 4:30-7:00?)

Good News-Bad News

"Larry the Llama here reporting to you live from the remote town of Kenai, AK. It's been said that large boxes on wheels that store humans have been spotted descending on this fishing town. Their scent has been whiffed in the grocery stores, sending the locals to flee for lesser known feeding grounds. Large signs touting 'no river access' are now visible in driveways along the road. This ends the report, now turning it over to your not so trusty reporter who can't always be held responsible for her lack of reporting...the one we only know as...The Bean...."

Well folks I suppose I should start with the bad news and then end on a happy note. I can't really remember where we last left off. So I'll start with the cloud of panic that's been hanging over my head the past few days. Days that really feel like eons.

I've started a  nasty habit of collecting all of my metaphorical vegan chicken eggs into one organic fair trade woven basket. It's not something I recommend. No matter how prepared you feel, how qualified you know you are, you will be disappointed. I've taken a lot of falls in my life. Invested a lot of time, energy, money, dreams and hopes only to be let down. I'm working on the getting back up part.

In other words, I didn't make into grad school.

I always had a plan B, C, D and E if it came down to it. I never wanted to enact them. Grad school was such an easy plan. Go to school, find part time work, do the Peace Corps start making a living. Now, the world is my oyster and I don't like oysters. 

I've been in a flurry of rushing around trying to sort out the fillings to my current life sandwich so to speak. I'm currently enrolled in an online class that starts at the end of May to become certified to teach abroad as an English teacher. 

When I was a kid I bought my brother for his birthday a teachers play kit because I secretly wanted to use it so I could be the teacher. I knew three things about clouds and some basic math and that's what I taught him persistently. Somewhere in the fog of growing up I lost that childhood dream of being a teacher and yet here I've come full circle. I see my certification as a back up at this point. It's something that's good for life and will be a good out when I need a change of scenery or am itching for change. 

Even though I didn't get into PSU there's something about Portland that's calling my name. I just feel like that's where I belong for one reason or another at some point or another. So I'm re-enrolling in my business grad school, going to find work somewhere and put down some roots and see how long they last. 

In the not so exciting but I'm going to tell you anyway news:

• I spent the last weekend in Anchorage doing normal 20 something things. That included watching a friends swing dance group perform. Listened to some obnoxiously bad karaoke. Confirmed that I don't like beer. Played a grown up version of Apples to Apples. Went to the movies-with another human being! Went out to breakfast with new friends. Listened to the brass band of the Salvation Army church and for not being a spiritual person almost cried whilst singing Hallelujah.
• I ran around with a pre-school group on a farm. Watched their teacher get "attacked" by llamas and didn't feel guilty about laughing. 
• My 5 year old covered me in mud on a field trip to the beach that ended up lasting only 30 minutes for us. I told her I wasn't happy, but secretly was thrilled to not be wind chilled any longer. 
• Celebrated Cinco De Mayo with my friend Bethany who graciously rescued me from a house of party happy 7 year olds. Who also made the mistake of introducing me to Cribbage and now I can't get enough of playing it even though I lose ALL the time. 
• Apparently putting on shoes is a dangerous task for me because it angers my sciatic nerve. My legs fall asleep within a minute of me sitting down and I look like an octopus getting out of the car.  But I can still walk a mile with it out, dang it. I love doing Zumba and was mad beyond all reasoning that I couldn't go tonight. 
• I've slacked on playing guitar...I know slap on the wrist...hey in all fairness I've read probably 4 books in the past month thank you very much. 
• I still eat cereal for dinner way too often. 

Well here's the good news, my wonderful friend and former co-worker Elizabeth nominated/gave me an award for my blog! How cool is that? I felt all warm and tickly inside when I read her post. She's a fabulous counselor, an amazing mother to two stinkingly cute twin boys and she cracks me up every time I read her blog: http://bettytuesdays.blogspot.com/

The award is called the Liebster award and here are the parameters:

Liebster is German for "beloved," and part of the award is the honor of awarding other bloggers for their good work. Here are all of the Liebster rules:

Show your thanks to the blogger who gave you the award by linking back to them

Reveal your top 5 picks for the award and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog

Post the award on your blog

Bask in the love from the most supportive people in the blogosphere – other bloggers

Hope your recipients pass the award to their 5 favorite blogs to keep the love flowing

All of the blogs that I follow are pretty big and have way more than 200 followers so I'll link you to some cool sites that I follow. However, please feel free to nominate people in the comment section!

1.) http://theveganstoner.blogspot.com/- This is a really cool site with yummy looking vegan recipes. I can't get over how awesome the illustrations are. 

2.) http://www.shitmykidsruined.com/- I'm not a parent but this always makes me laugh and sigh about all of the wtf moments I've had with kids in my care. 

3.) http://catalogliving.net/- The captions on this site are fabulous and it makes you look at the prints thinking...yeah what were those designers thinking...and oh that chair is cute...

4.)http://www.thesimpledollar.com/- a great site for money advice and other great nuggets of info. 

5.) http://milasdaydreams.blogspot.com/- this is just too cute. I was always too busy clearing the dishwasher, looking through a magazine I'd been eyeing or scarfing food while my kids slept, but this mom is awesome tacos. 

So there you have it wonderful folks. Figuring out my life, trying to enjoy what time I have left in Alaska and sorting out the puzzle that we like to call life. 

Love and Peace as always. 

(P.S-this was taken at 10:00 p.m.!!)